Thoughts From A Broken Heart
by IllusiveButterfly
Summary: Some of Lily's diary entries... How did she feel when Petunia called her a freak? How did she feel when James Potter picked on her and asked her out? How did she feel when Snape called her a mud-blood? How did she feel when she fell in love?
1. Chapter 1

**2nd March 1971**

She did it again. She's been doing it more and more recently. It's as if she has completely forgotten that we used to get along. Ever since I got my letter on my eleventh birthday she's hated me. She thinks I'm different – maybe I am. I don't feel different though. I don't look different. Mummy and daddy say not to worry – she'll get used to it. But it really hurts when she does it. It's just so horrible. I don't understand how my sister can be so cruel. I thought she loved me. Sev thinks she's jealous. He says she just wants to be special like me too but I'm not so sure. She keeps doing it, calling me a freak. I'm not a freak am I? I hope not. I quite like who I am and I don't want to have to change.

I'm so excited. It's just so sad I can't talk to Petunia about it. We used to talk about everything. She was like my best friend, at least until I met Sev. She keeps saying it and it always makes me cry. She doesn't care. In fact I think she wants to make me cry. I don't think she likes me anymore. I think she might actually hate me. I didn't know it was possible to hate your sister. I guess that means she doesn't love me anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

**26th August 1971**

Mum and dad took me shopping today in Diagon Alley. I got a wand – a real wand – willow, 10 ¼ inches, swishy, that's what the old man in the shop had said. I couldn't believe it. I tried to do a spell or two this afternoon but I accidentally set fire to the curtains so mummy said I have to wait until I am at school before I can practice. It's not fair. I want to try now. I've already read through one of the textbooks we bought today. Everything is so exciting. Mummy got me a pet owl. I decided to call her Merry. She's a snowy owl. I love her to bits already.

Daddy says I'll have to start packing soon. Petunia said she'll be glad to see the back of me. She can be so horrible sometimes. Mummy has banned her from calling me a freak but it hasn't stopped her. Now she just whispers it in my ear so that no one else will hear. I told Severus today and he said we could hex her but I don't think we should. That wouldn't be very good, would it? I think mummy would tell me off if we did that.


	3. Chapter 3

**1st September 1971**

I can't believe I am finally here. It's even better than I imagined. The castle is beautiful and everything seems just perfect except me and Sev aren't in the same house. He's in Slytherin. I asked the hat to put me in Slytherin too but it told me that I was far too special for Slytherin. It said that I belonged somewhere else. It put me in Gryffindor with that stupid Potter boy. He's so annoying. He was so horrible to Severus. The girls in my dorm just had a fight. I don't really understand what happened. Mary just started shouting at Alice (I think that's their names). It had something to do with blood or something. Apparently there is a difference between me – a muggle-born, Mary – a half-blood, and Alice – a pure-blood. Mary kept shouting at Alice about being a fanatic. It's okay now. That Potter boy fixed it – maybe he's not as bad as he seemed on the train. He's Alice's cousin or something. She says he's really lovely but he was so horrible to Sev.

I'm so excited about tomorrow; my first day of lessons. I hope I have some classes with Severus. I really miss him. I wish we were in the same house. I like Gryffindor though. The tower overlooks the Quidditch pitches and the lake. It looks amazing from up here. I'm going to try and sleep. There's a girl in the corner who I haven't met yet – she sounds like she's crying. She must miss home already.


	4. Chapter 4

**5th September 1971**

He's better than me. I don't get it. I work so hard. I've already read the book through twice and yet he just gets it whilst I struggle. It's not fair. I want to be good at Transfiguration. It sounds amazing. I mean I like Charms and Potions but there's something exciting about Transfiguration. It's the most magical type of magic but I just can't seem to do it.

Potter just does it. He doesn't even have to read the textbook or listen to Professor McGonagall – he just does it! It's like he doesn't have to try at all. I don't think he's been in the library once this week and I don't even know if he does his homework. It's so infuriating and if that's not enough, I think he tries to annoy me on purpose. He's so mean to Severus.

He's also a really good flyer but he just shows off. Like in flying lesson today, him and Sirius Black got "bored" and starting playing up. They got detention but still, he's such a show off. Some of the other girls fancy him. I've heard them talk about him in the toilets. I don't understand it myself. He's just an arrogant toe-rag if you ask me.


	5. Chapter 5

6th September 1971

I can't believe what they are saying about Severus. They're saying that Severus and his Slytherin friends attacked Potter. Sev wouldn't do that though. He's not like that. But Alice just got angry with me when I told her that, saying that he's a Slytherin as if that's all the proof she needs. If Sev did do something to Potter, then he must have deserved it, he must have provoked him. Potter was really rude to me in potions. He told me to keep my nose out of his business. As if I care about his business, all I care about is that Severus is getting into trouble and its Potter's fault. I can't believe he told me to shut up. He's such a jerk. It's his parents fault. They seem really nice. I think they are too soft on him. They just give him whatever he wants whenever he wants it. At lunch today he started asking them for tickets to the world cup. He's so pretentious. Whatever happened last night must have been bad for his parents to come up from London. Or maybe his mother is just a worrier and would have been here if he'd broken a toe.

They – Potter and Black – were jinxing Severus in potions. Slughorn didn't notice but I did. I can't believe him. He's so horrible to people. My potion was the best in the class. Slughorn invited me to his Slug Club tonight. He must think I'm pretty good at potions. It was pretty boring to be honest. I ended up having an argument with Potter. When he saw me he actually muttered, "oh not you again." I couldn't believe it so I asked him about it but he practically ignored me. Black was all like "I guess Miss Evans, it means: give it a break already."

But I hadn't done anything so I told them that. He came all up in my face and started shouting at me, Potter that is, not Black, "enough! First, you have known me all of a week and you already have your opinion of me set in stone. That makes you ridiculous." I tried to reply but he raised his hand out in front of himself, "I've not finished. Second, maybe you should ask your dear friend Snivellus what happened last night instead of badgering me. Third, it was just a harmless but of fun. We didn't hurt Flitwick and he saw it for the fun it was. Why can't you? In conclusion, all of this amounts to the simple fact that you nag me far more than even my mother." He then turned around and stormed off. I was completely shocked. I wanted to run away and cry. I heard Alice from somewhere behind me mutter, "they've only known each other a week and they are already like an old married couple." They all started laughing. They were laughing at me. I really don't think it's funny. That was humiliating.


	6. Chapter 6

8th September 1971

I spent the whole weekend in the library. I didn't have any homework so I just did some research so that I'd be ahead of everyone else. At first the girls came with me but after a while they all got bored. I don't know what to think. Maybe I was wrong about Potter. Maybe I judged him too quickly. But what about all those different pranks he's pulled? He can't be a nice person who just attacks people every chance he gets. That doesn't make sense. If he was as nice and gentlemanly as Alice thinks then he'd have never said those things. What if you provoked him, Lily? I guess I might have a little bit. No he really is an arrogant toe rag! I researched the unforgivable curses. That's what they are saying the Slytherins did to him. Bellatrix Black to be more exact. That's really dark magic. I mean everyone knows she's crazy but… magic like that… I don't get why she's not been expelled.

I think Alice likes Frank. She hasn't told me yet but I think she does. That's where she is, with Frank, in the grounds. The other girls never stop talking about the Gryffindor boys. I think they fancy them. That's why I'm avoiding them. I don't want to hear, "Potter is so… Black is just amazing… Potter is hot… Black this and Potter that. It's driving me mental.

Later…

Kate asked Potter out. Looks like he's going be even more annoying now that he's dating one of my friends. Argh. Sucks.


	7. Chapter 7

27th September 1971

I absolutely hate Potter. Whenever I try to spend time with my friends he's there and he's always playing practical jokes on people. All the girls seem to fancy him and Black but I don't get it. I must be the only girl at Hogwarts who doesn't fancy one of them. I think he's trying to ignore me. When he's not ignoring me he's saying things purposefully to annoy me. He's such a jerk. I've spent a lot of time in the library over the last few weeks doing my homework.

We won our first match against Slytherin. Everyone is really happy. I don't really get it but apparently it's important. Several muggles in Lnodon have been attacked, a few are even dead. Potter's dad works for the ministry. I was quite impressed by what he said not that I'll ever tell Potter that. He seems to really care, Mr Potter I mean. James Potter however, seems completely unfazed by the attacks. It's as if he doesn't care. He just makes out with Kate. Maybe he doesn't care. He probably doesn't know any muggles.


	8. Chapter 8

Halloween

Half term has been pretty great. I decided to spend the week with the girls. I've spent enough time in the library. We spent ages in the common room sitting by the fire. Alice taught me how to play wizarding chess. I also spent some time with Sev. We went for a walk in the grounds. I miss him. Hogwarts isn't the way I imagined it because we're not together. He's supposed to keep me company in the common room and work with me on my essays. That's what we planned. I like being a Gryffindor but I wish we were in the same house.

The Halloween feast was spectacular. I've never seen anything quite like it. There were actual zombies walking around. Severus had another run in with Potter and his friends after the feast. I can't believe Potter. There was a huge party in the common room tonight. Potter and Black had sneaked out of the castle in search of treats. I can't believe they did that! They break rules but don't even care. It's like it doesn't even matter to them. Like they're above the rules. I hate them.


	9. Chapter 9

1st November 1971

There was an attack on the muggle post office tower in the centre of London. I'm pretty sure that's where Aunty Gale used to work before she retired. It was so horrible to hear about it. It made it all seem closer to home. If Aunty Gale hadn't retired in August – that could have been her. She could have been one of the nameless muggles who had been harmed. I nearly cried when I read the paper this morning. I wasn't the only one who was shocked. Everyone else kept talking about what the paper had said about a coming war and a man called Grindelwald. I have no idea who he is. I need to do some research. I hate the way I don't know anything about this world. I'm supposed to be a witch but I don't know anything about being a witch.


	10. Chapter 10

12th November 1971

Potter has been making a habit of annoying the Slytherins. He's been tripping them up in the corridors and jinxing them. He attacked Severus today – it's happening all the time now. He keeps calling him Snivellus. I tried to stop him but Potter just called him Slytherin scum. I told him that he's just like the Slytherins but he told me he'd never hurt a muggle. But neither would Severus. I know Sev. He's my best friend. He'd never do that.

I've been given tons of house points. I think Professor Slughorn gives me the most. I am very good at potions though.


	11. Chapter 11

29th November 1971

The weather has been awful so we've been stuck in the castle. Today the weather seems slightly better. Gryffindor had a Quidditch match this morning against Ravenclaw. Their seeker is quite good looking. Mary and Kate had a huge banner with a giant roaring lion on it. I didn't really understand most of what the commentator said. He said something about blatching… No clue. Something else to learn about. It really sucks because unlike muggle football where girls aren't expected to remember the offside rule in Quidditch everyone knows the rules, everyone plays and everyone loves the game.


	12. Chapter 12

15th December 1971

I can't believe it is almost Christmas. The castle looks amazing and the grounds look even better. I've spent tons of time with Severus walking in the grounds over the last few days. Severus still seems to think I am friends with Potter. Just because he's dating Kate doesn't make him my friend. He was mean about Petunia too. He said that she's just a muggle. I don't understand why he doesn't get that she's my sister. It doesn't matter to me that she's a muggle. Sometimes I think maybe he does belong in Slytherin with the muggle haters but then I remember he's my best friend.


	13. Chapter 13

**Christmas Day…**

Mum was really excited about me being home. Both my parents were at the station to pick me up. Petunia was there too but she didn't look happy about it. I had hoped that the few months apart would make her miss me enough that she's be kinder but I guess that was stupid. I think things will never be the same again. I love being a witch but I miss my sister. I miss being able to talk to her about anything. She's never going to see me the same again. I'm always just going to be her freak sister.

I got some really great presents. Mum and dad got me a beautiful white gold necklace from mum and dad. It had an amazing round pendant with a doe in the middle of it. It was absolutely perfect. Severus gave me a simple goblins gold bracelet with pretty ornate green stones all around it. He'd left a note saying that he was sorry. It was so hard to stay angry with him. He really is my best friend and there is nothing that will ever change that. My friends don't understand. They think I'm stupid being his friend. They think that he's just the same as all the other Slytherins but I know him better than they do. He's kind and sweet. He'd never hurt anyone. He's nothing like Avery or Malfoy or that horrible Lestrange. My gifts were amazing from the girls; a pretty scarf, a couple of books, some chocolate frogs and beautiful new quill. They really do know me so well.


	14. Chapter 14

**3rd January 2012**

I told Severus how I feel today. I told him that I miss him. I suggested we spend more time together, maybe go for a walk in the grounds or something. I don't know if it will happen but I need my best friend back. Being home was horrible without Sev there to cheer me up. Mum and Dad were great but Petunia was so horrible. He said he misses me too but I don't understand why he doesn't make more of an effort then. It's so irritating because when we are together, it's like nothing has changed at all. I'm not a Gryffindor and he a Slytherin. I'm not a muggle-born. We're just Lily and Severus, the best of friends. I just hope he keeps his word and I see more of him this term. I don't think I could bare losing him.


	15. Chapter 15

**15th January 1972…**

I went for a walk with Severus in the grounds today. I had so many layers on I could have easily resembled a cake. Sev was late. Some of the Slytherins saw me and they called me a mudblood. I wanted to cry when I heard that word but I just gave them my coldest glare. Potter heard them say it. He was so angry. He pulled out his wand. He jinxed the Slytherin. Luckily Professor McGonagall arrived otherwise Potter would have started a duel. He's so arrogant. I don't know who he thinks he is coming to my rescue like that. As if I need him to. Potter then had the audacity to wink at Professor McGonagall. I got really angry with him. I just don't get why he has to stick his nose into my business.

We had a great walk in the grounds. We barely spoke but it was just perfect. We even had a snowball fight. I completely forgot about being called a mudblood. Severus has a way of making everything feel better. I really have missed him.


	16. Chapter 16

**27th January 1972…**

Severus has a rather active imagination. You won't believe what he thinks about Lupin. He seems to think he's a werewolf! A werewolf! Like Dumbledore would allow a werewolf to come to Hogwarts. Sometimes Sev does talk rubbish. It's not Lupin's fault his mother has been so sick this year and I'm absolutely positive that it's not always on the full moon. That would be downright insane. Poor Remus. I hope Sev doesn't start spreading rumours about him amongst the Slytherins. That's the last thing the boy would need. I really do hope his mum gets better. It really can't be helping him study. I mean seriously how does he manage it. He's away so much and yet he always gets his homework done and he's rather intelligent too. I see him in the library quite a lot. He's the only marauder I think I can stand. I think it's because he hasn't got Potter and Black's arrogance and he's not repulsive like Pettigrew. If he wasn't friends with the marauders I'd even be willing to spend more time with him.


End file.
